The Tests of Manhood

By Kirk (10/20/04)

If you are a man, and you live in the United States, everyday you are measured on how much of a man you are.

Now, I assume that there are similar tests in every other country, but I don't know them as well as I know our American measures. What's funny to me is that almost nobody I know can pass all of these tests, and yet we all have them in our heads all the time. We are constantly measuring ourselves and the other men around us.

Sports - Playing

This is one of the most obvious ones. You meet some friends at the park to play some softball, or any other sport, and right away, your manhood is being tested. Can you run? Can you catch? Most importantly, do you throw well, and not "like a girl"?

The funny thing is, it doesn't matter what the sport is, your masculenity is in question as soon as you start playing. Bowling is hardly even a sport, but while you are playing, the guy who is the best is more of a man. Tennis, which is considered prissy mostly because the players wear white and a lot of good players are either English or French, is still a test of manhood.

About the only sport I can think of where being good doesn't score you some "man points" is figure skating. And even that is changing, I think.

Sports - Watching

This is a place where most women would never even realize that a man is being tested. Men follow sports. Any man who doesn't follow sports is subject to scrutiny. Now you don't have to follow every game, but when asked, you should know about the important ones and it's good if you can beg out of caring about one team because of your allegiance to another. As in, "Did you see the Broncos kill the Raiders?" "No, I was watching the Lions; I'm from Detroit".

Tools

You go over to a friend's house and he's working on his car. He asks you to hand him a 3/16ths box wrench. You say, "a what?"

You are now less than a man. Again, you don't have to know every tool in the world, but you have to be familiar with the basics. And being able to use tools well, makes you more of a man. When a guy calls another guy to get advice on how to use his mitre-box to bevel the edge of his trim, he is admitting that he is less of a man than the guy he's asking.

Strength

This test mostly comes up when you are asked to help a friend move. You find out your place in the heirarchy of their manly friends. If you are one of the guys put on Couch Detail, you are a man. If you are assigned to the boxes from the sewing room, they weren't really worried about whether you'd show up or not.

Grilling

Knowing your way around a kitchen doesn't mean much to men (though this is changing), but you really should know your way around a grill. You should have an opinion on gas or charcoal. You should be able to get your own grill up to the right temperature quickly and easily. You should have a few staples that you grill really well. Burgers, steaks, and whatever else you like. If you 've got those down and someone brings salmon, you can throw it on the grill for them but let them know that you don't know salmon very well, without a loss of any man points.

Endurance

You and your buddies go backpacking. Do not be the last one on the trail, huffing and puffing. A lot of "real men" never work out and are carrying around several extra pounds, but this is where they have to bow to some of the skinnier guys (the ones who don't get Couch Detail).

Lechery

Men still look at women. And they still make rude comments behind their backs. When one guy asks another guy, "how 'bout the rack on that one?", the other guy has to respond in some way. It's a test. Now, if you want to make a real stand for manhood, you can say, "women are people and they deserve respect for attributes beyond their physical appearance." Of course, that doesn't fly very well in most settings.

More to come . . .